Hi Friends! Looking for your favorite mind numbing site? Well we have moved! You can now find us at:
Same trick ass bitch, same bad ass attitude, same love for the Kardashian clan. Just a stronger, better, faster site!
What upsets me the most? The GOD card? the Kris Jenner plug? The private plane? NO THE FACT THAT THIS BITCH CAN GET A 1 AM SPRAY TAN AND I HAVE TO ELBOW BU JUNIORS TO GET A 4:15 PM AIRBRUSH TAN!
Well it’s that time of year again, the time where I remind you that in the midst of live blogging anything with the name Kardashian attached to it, stalking my ex-boyfriends step-dad’s rental properties in Miami (NOTHING HE’S DOING IS LEGAL), and reminding you all about the highs and inevitable lows of DISNEY CHANNEL ORIGINAL MOVIES circa 99…FYI they can no longer show Johnny Tsunami after the tsunami in South East Asia…an entire generation is missing out…
Well there is something else I kind of LOVE….in a word CAESAR. Grab your knives, head to the forum, and watch out for BRUTUS because I’m going REAL TALK. Did you read Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar in high school? It’s one of the few things that I kindaaa enjoyed shhhh don’t tell anyone. If you didn’t you kinda missed out! I will sum it up TOUGH ISSUES STYLE:
Caesar was a statesman in Rome and his other statesman were getting really annoyed with how self involved and power hungry (read: old school KANYE). So they start to set up to take him down at one of their meetings, a blind soothsayer tries to warn Caesar to BEWARE OF THE IDES OF MARCH…butttt his boys gang up and kill him, and worst of all his bff BRUTUS delivers the final stab. POOR CAESAR…couldn’t they have all just met for drinks after forum and talked shit like normal people??? Ps some other shit happens after that like a war?? And then Mark Antony takes over…not that Marc Anthony.
If I had to live in a world run by Latino stars of the early 2000’s I would proll go Ricky Martin. He seems a little nicer. Plus I always enjoyed SHE BANGS vs I NEED TO KNOW.
Anywaaay, in honor of this auspicious occasion I have put together a FAN FAVORITE! It’s my favorite images from the 1953 film version of Caesar put to TOPICAL CAPTIONS.
So there you have it friends! A very TOUGH ISSUES Ides of March. Have a fantastic day, avoid getting the crap stabbed out of you by your friends and co-workers, and best of luck if you get a phone call before 3 pm ET….yes, even Tough Issues knows it’s the NBA trade deadline…
Cocky…confident…in a position of power…BEWARE OF THE IDES OF MARCH RONDO!!!!
I think the entire NCAA community is going to breath a collective sigh of relief because my bracket is DONE and PUBLISHED for the masses! Last year I got EVERY single pick right in the first round, I wish I was kidding. Upon doing this my friend’s boyfriend very seriously asked me to show him how I made my picks, and I very seriously showed him. It was all based on mascots, past hook ups, and just whatever came first alphabetically. He wasn’t amused, BUT I WAS. Policy of full disclosure, I then proceeded to get like 4 right in the second round….but whatever! We do it for the fans and we have fun! So for the first time ever in the history of Tough Issues Brackets I’m releasing my bracket with my well informed picks. Enjoy the explanations.
PS this would make my father cry college basketball tears.
PSS I’m proll going to get the entire first round right again.
PSS Proll not.
Back from the dead aka I had a bad cold we are here to bring you some MONDAY MADNESS. Did you enjoy your weekends? Did you remember to turn your clocks ahead! You have to love that extra hour of daylight and the 9 pm dinner you end up having because of it, very European. Ok enough small talk let’s move right into it folks! It’s St Patrick’s Day WEEK, who is excited? Am I going to take my broke ass green v-neck to the streets of Southie? No doubt! Am I getting too old for this shit? More than likely.
I get the feeling they don’t drink keg beer and listen to Shipping Up To Boston for 4 hours straight..at this castle in Ireland, but then again we can’t all be triple deckers in South Boston.
Did you know as a child I grew up with high amounts of Irish swagger in my life? Yes Tough Issues is 100% Irish, and a little English, but we don’t talk about that. I want to pay tribute to my Irish heritage and what better way than pitting 3 Irish things against each other in our very own
MARRY, F, KILL: St Patrick’s Day Edition!
Yes it’s the LUCKY of Lucky Charms fame, our 35th President, and the sketch of the leperechaun seen in the Critchon area of Mobile, Alabama 7 years ago. Yea these are a little childish and stupid but so is being in your mid to late 20’s and still blacking out in East Broadway on a Sunday. Shut the f up and play along!
MARRY: Kennedy!
Sure he’s a hanging with girls from the Peace Corp when you are out of town but whatevs, the bragging rights to say you hang in Hyannisport and diet tips from Maria Shriver, that’s incentive enough. Besides let’s be honest one way ticket to Dallas and things get a whole less Peace Corp and a WHOLE lot more LBJ. Does that mean when it’s all said and done I have marry a Greek Shipping heir who is 85?
I might want to rethink this.
F: The Leprechaun!
Drawn on lined paper from my 2nd grade classroom, youtube notriety and the biggest sensation to come out of Mobile Alabama PRE-ANTOINE DODSON.
You might even get a chance to meet THIS guy
If you’re someone like myself (which god I hope you aren’t) who FIRMLY believes yelling WHO ELSE HAS SEEN THE LEPRECHAUN SAY YAAAA….YAAAA will never go out of style, than hanging with that amatuer sketch might be right for you…
But let’s be honest EVENTUALLY the smartest man in all of Mobile will roll in and go REAL TALK on your ass when he tells you it’s a shadow being cast by a few trees.
This guy deserves the Noble Peace Prize for figuring this shit out. So unfortunately folks when it comes to leprechaun, let him wine you and dine you, but don’t let him tell you what to do.
KILL: LUCKY
I’m sorry because EVERYBODY knows Tough Issues LOVES us some cereal. If you had asked me to choose between Cinnamon, Toast, or Crunch in this game I would have just told you I quit because I want to marry them all!
You don’t see enough of these three these days. Anyway, I don’t want marshmallows in my cereal, they get soggy! And I find the plot line almost as annoying as that of the Trix Rabbit. Plus Lucky Charms make the roof of your mouth feel funny, which I have been informing anyone who will listen since I was about 4. I can remember sitting at the breakfast table with my poor father on a Saturday morning as he put out each box of cereal from the fun pack.
There was NOTHING fun about little Meredith reviewing cereals, these make my mouth feel funny, these make the milk weird, these spill out of the bowl. So sorry LUCKY I’m saying a BIG N-O to you just like I did when I was 4 years young up at a casual 5 am trying to make my Dad listen to my stories and eventually settling on Frosted Flakes. So much has changed…and yet so much has not.
So that is your Marry, F, Kill, agree, disagree. Maybe I will see you this weekend! I will be the one with the sketch pad drawing of a leprechaun. I was going to bring this cool Irish guy who is kind of a player and into politics but he got held up in Texas.
Too soon? Too bad.
PROGRAMMING NOTE: We have a couple of BIG changes coming to TOUGH ISSUES. And I will have deets on my new gig with tvgasm.com. We are so excited to share with you, unfort it won’t be until next week because my real life is going to be busier than just taking cheap shots at Kardashian family…STAY TUNED FRIENDS.
IT’S FRIDAY FRIENDS! Are you as excited as me!? I actually have a hot little cold and it sorta feels like there is a knife in my throat, and my ears can barely hear the kiddies today. If I die WHO GETS MY LAGUNA BEACH DVD COLLECTION?
It will be a fight to the death between Tough Issues fans Alanna Lynn and Mike B…to the victor go the spoils! I love a good competition, a little rivalry, fight music, trash talking, BRING IT. You will know this if you have ever seen how aggressive I get regarding an OLYMPIC game session. The summer Olympics are my freakin JAM kiddies, and I’m excited for LONDON TOWN 2k12! Just touch down in LONDON TOWN-Kanye West. So to aid you as we prep for the Summer Olympics I give you my top 5 reasons I’m excited for the Summer games in jolly old England.
5. THE OPENING CEREMONIES
You take every over the top event in the world and you get THE OPENING CEREMONIES. They are they are loud, they feature 45804958045 British children waving flags…let’s be honest there is no WAY the British kids will be as cute as the Chinese kids at the Beijing opening ceremonies, but they’ll try.
It’s like IT’S A SMALL WORLD on ecstasy! Nothing is politically correct, it has the same damn song playing again and again, and at the end you kinda feel like a racist.
Happiest cruise that ever sailed around the world? This row boat looks like a race war waiting to happen….there will probably be a mutiny before they are even a mile out to sea. But back the lecture at hand, I can’t wait to see some SICK fireworks and chant USA.
If there is one thing we love at Tough Issues it’s a SICK fire work display, when done by a trained professional in a SAFE enviroment. This is being said by an individual whose father used to light sparklers off and dance around 3 Heinekens deep while yelling “THE DANCE OF 1000 SPARKLES”…it was always most effective if done in the dog days of summer, in the back yard when it hadn’t rained in 2 months.
4. In a word, PHELPS.
It’s time to BRING THE PHELPS TRAIN DOWN. I don’t want to see your drunk driving, butter face (can a dude have a butter face?), Eminem loving mug all over that freakin pool. Have you seen his Subway ad, he makes JARED look like he could be Tom Freakin Hanks. And I don’t want to see his mom sitting with Obama wearing her Chicos wardrobe again. HASN’T SHE EVER HEARD OF ANN TAYLOR, THAT’S WEAR RICH MOM’S SHOP.
I did some research and there are some other HOT male swimmers that are working their ABS off to make it to London. Meet JOE PASCALE,
he’s a part time MMA fighter and a full time HOTTIE. Sure he quit the swim team in college so he could party (get it outta your sysetm so you don’t go cruising for a DUI on the back roads of Maryland at 24), but he looks FANTASTIC with facial hair and he’s in it to win it…WATCH THE PODIUM PHELPS.
3. GYM FREAKIN NASTICS.
There is NOTHING I love more than OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS. You would think I was raised in a Russian training camp with the amount of opinions I have on these bitches floor routines! SHE STEPPED OUT BOUNDS, SLOPPY LANDING, SHE WOBBLED SIGNIFICANTLY DURING BEAM. Yes these are all things I shout from the comfort of my Bela Karolyi free living room!
It’s weird enough that he is obsessed with turning 11 year old girls into gymnastic SUPERSTARS does he have to have the pedophile mustache too?? Anyway last Olympic games team USA did OK, my GIRL was Shawn Johnson…
She was spunky and not a career bitch like NASTIA.
My friend Susannah (TOUGH ISSUES FAN SHOUT OUT) is actually a FOR REAL gymnast and hit me with the knowledge that like none of these bitches will be involved in this years team because they are all injured, or 40 plus now. How I yearn for the easy days of the MAGNIFICENT 7.
Now we get beat by a bunch of 8 year old Chinese gymnasts. Someone better be regulating these children better this time around.
Although I’m pretty sure if they lose they drown these girls in the East China Sea…and if you lose here you just have to go on Dancing With The Stars 3 seasons in a row. Having to spend that much time with Drew Lachey actually seems worse than being killed by your government…
2. Soccer Players. No need to elaborate.
I’m pretty sure David Beckham isn’t even good…and after a quick peruse of some FUTBOL sites they aren’t even sure if he will definitely play this year or some crap because he’s basically moments away from having to be put into assisted living. Whatever, he’s hot and he’s married to my favorite Spice Girl
And the NUMBER ONE REASON I’M EXCITED FOR THE OLYMPIC GAMES????
1. LONDON=MIDDLETON MANIA
YES! We will have so much MIDDLETON fun our heads will explode from Zara purchases and fun sessions with out barrel-less curling iron!!! Kate and William and their posse will be at all the good stuff I’m sure, and they will only aid to the joy I will get from watching the Men’s 50 free!
And even more exciting…where there is KATE and WILL there is PIPPA and HARRY….
Who wouldn’t love an Olympic Village throwdown with these two? It’s basically my dream party…just tell Michael Phelps he can’t come in, unless he brings EVERYONE their sub of choice.
So enjoy your weekend friends! And let’s look forward to all the fun we will have in July with our neighbors across the pond!
As previously stated I was a really WEIRD child. I was basically born a bitchy 15 year old and somehow my parents put up with this for YEARS, despite my uncle’s many suggestions of dropping me off at the New England Home For Little Wanderers.
The problem was that I had watched ANNIE so many times I thought an orphanage would be a pretty fun hang session! Coordinated dances, a bunch of built in friends, and eventually getting adopted by the richest man in the world. I could swing that. In reality orphanages were places where disease ran rampant and you were educated till you were about 8…but they some how skipped those chapters in all that FUN ORPHAN material.
At about age 5 I learned what it meant to be ADOPTED and I was obsessed I was constantly asking if there was any chance that I was adopted and my mom was actually like Madonna or some crap…my parent’s would just laugh at this. I was also notorious for I’M LEAVING AND NEVER COMING BACK.
I would pack my Barbie suitcase on a weekly basis…and stand on the stairs and announce, THIS IT IT…I’M LEAVING…and I would walk to the end of my street, get scared of the teenagers playing basketball and promptly head back home. It was WEIRD. You know what wasn’t helping this whole fantasy though was propaganda I was picking up at Barnes and Noble and Video Horizons.
SHOUT OUT IF YOU KNOW VIDEO HORIZONS, do you think the still let you wear your rollarblades in there? Nothing is better than BLADING around trying to find a good VHS!
Here is a movie I loved: TRADING MOM
THE PREMISE: These kids get mad at their mom after she catches them smoking cigarettes so the find out how to cast a spell to make her disappear! With mom gone they are able to go to the MOMMY MARKET where they pick a NEW MOM…this is disastrous and they end up somehow getting there mom back. And hopefully some Nicorette gum because these kids are like 10 and they were already chain smoking…that’s kinda their mom’s fault to be honest.
Or how about THIS gem of a book that I discovered at a book fair:
This one was about some high school girl who sees her photo on a milk carton as missing! Turns out she was KIDNAPPED…yea totally normal reading material for a 3rd grader who already has a complex with being kidnapped. And because the 90’s were the GLORY days of the after school special it was obviously made into a shitty tv movie…
I was giving the parentals all SORTS of side eye after I saw this…yes, they seem nice enough but perhaps years ago they had another daughter who kindapped children for a cult and I was one of them…and then she brought me to her parents…and now they are my parents…WHAT A PLOT.
Or the totally believable plot of IT TAKES TWO.
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Identical STRANGERS that meet up at camp. One is rich, the other one is in foster care, with a serious jam session to EVERYBODY DANCE NOW they break up the rich ones dad’s wedding to a bitch and convince him to marry the poor ones social worker. Oh yes Kirstie Alley and Guttenburg all on this shit like white on rice. Also THIS guy is involved….
This poor man has been type cast more than Carl Winslow in a movie about Chicago, New York City, or the LA Riots
But Mary-Kate and Ashley only added fuel to my fire that there might be a rich kid somewhere who looked just like me that I could trade places with.
Or how about THE PARENT TRAP….both new and old would do because the plot line was amazing two twins with divorced parents meet a summer camp and switch places. I went to summer camp…I didn’t meet any bitches who were actually my twin, although I basically did intake on the first day in my bunk ANYONE HERE BORN NOVEMBER 28 and has NEVER seen their birth certificate???? SEE ME ASAP…you might be my sister.
Don’t freak out but I kinda liked the Haley Mills version more…mostly because who wouldn’t want to live in a Graceland style house?
Disclaimer: I had WONDERFUL parents and an amazing childhood. I also got everything I ever wanted, aside from the time I asked for a REAL phone when I was 4. I mean I don’t want to brag but I was a kid that owned one of the THESE….
I used to make my dad bring it out of the playroom so I could ride my stationary horse in my yard…and I would yell in a British accent things like EASY BLACK BEAUTY….too many viewings of Secret Garden and secretly hoping I would be orphaned in an earthquake and have to go live at Misselthwaite Manor.
And a happy birthday to my wonderful MOM who would have been 55 years young today! She would be proud that I’m writing, but reminding me that I should sit up straighter at work and be taking a daily multivitamin…LOVE YA MOM!
Well it’s day two of the Real Housewives Bracket and the results are IN! The response from the fans has been unbelievable. It’s heartwarming to hear how many of you have opinions on Housewives but can’t decide which Republican is the lesser evil…spoiler alert: it’s Romney.
AMERICA (aka the female demographic of 18-45 year olds) YOU VOTED AND THE RESULTS ARE IN! Since my life is just one big rap battle we are doing this EAST COAST vs WEST COAST style!
For the East Coast
Teresa vs Nene!
And for the west coast the queen of Coto De Cazo vs the I’m not the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I am the luckiest!
So take your picks friends!
Nene vs Teresa
Vicki vs Kyle
Biggie vs Tupac (ok just kidding…but that’s an idea!)
Tomorrow we will have the FINALS! Also tomorrow I will be hitting you with introspective look at how I’m prepping for the SUMMER Olympic Games, look out London town. I’m finally learning those uneven parallel bars and working on my Dominique Moceanu scrapbook.
Do you find yourself missing the easier days of a pre-Jersey Shore world? Or are you some how still listening to HOUSE MUSIC, thinking pickles are funny, or trying to trade shifts at the SHORE STORE. Well I’m sick of music that has no words, I think everyone knows pickles are good, and it pains me emotionally that Danny from the Shore Store still has to put someone named the SITUATION on his weekly schedule…I miss when the word Situation meant this….
noun
Are you DYING to get your hands on your college basketball bracket this year. Did you know last year TOUGH ISSUES got the entire first round right? It’s a gift that comes with picking your schools based on guys you have hooked up with and mascots you think are cute. I will be releasing my REAL bracket soon but in the MEANTIME I give you the FIRST EVER REAL HOUSEWIVES TOURNAMENT!!
We are switching the style up here and going INTERACTIVE for the fans, I need you to VOTE for one person PER CITY in the COMMENT section! So that means you need a total of 4 PICKS for today! And if you aren’t a housewives fan, well first off why are you here….but whatevs just pick 4 so it’s not just myself and Tough Issues Fan Boy Mike B. participating in this! SUBMIT your picks to me via the BUTTON ABOVE aka the TOP of the page! Or just message me them!
THE OC
Vicki vs Alexis
VS 
America’s favorite type A insurance saleswoman vs JESUS BARBIE! Yes Alexis might be the hotter housewife but she chose to marry THIS guy and spoiler alert, he’s fake rich.
The only person who should be allowed to wear their hair like that is Madox Jolie-Pitt. I’m on a hunger strike until that’s put into the Constitution, or Bill of Rights…blah I can never remember which is which…going to have to familiarize myself with my School House Rock RIGHT after I complete this post.
Am I the only one that sees that this bill could double as a joint? Perhaps this bill was to legalize class D substances?
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA
Kim vs Nene
VS
Ah has there ever been such an amazing frenemies pairing as Kim vs Nene…yes actually there has, between my middle school best friend and I. She’s actually a lovely person but we could go from best friends to sworn enemies in one afternoon at the boat club…just like these two. Kim likes wigs and her HIT single “Don’t Be Tardy For The Party” and Nene likes Anderson Cooper. Everyone knows I LOVE me some Anderson, but I also have Tardy For The Party on a DOPE playlist…don’t judge.
This looks like the most fun I could have in my adult life, booze, Nene, COOPZ.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Kyle VS LISA
God we could judge these bitches on hair alone. AMAZING. However one lives in VAN DER PUMP MANOR (Lisa) and the other lives with the hottest Mexican Jew ever…I can’t decide…Jew or Gentile folks?
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ
Teresa vs Melissa
VS
Blood is thicker than water? The only thing better than housewives who fight? Housewife sister-inlaws that fight! The baptism fight heard round the world is perhaps on my list of favorite things EVER. I just wanted to say congratulations…
So that means you need to pick:
Vicki or Alexis
Kim or Nene
Kyle or Lisa
Teresa vs Melissa
We will then ADVANCE into the semi finals. BTW this will all be refereed by Kelsey Grammer. You’re welcome.
SUBMIT your picks to me via the BUTTON ABOVE aka the TOP of the page! Or just message me them!
